If you’re going to predict doom, at least make it a few years away.

July 13th, 2006

(Author’s note: I wrote this back on june 7th or so, but I wasn’t sure if it was funny enough to put out there. Listening and reading it now, it’s kinda funny, so why not?)

Waiting for a fax from my optomitrist today, I saw a funny fax come through, predicting a nuclear attack on the UN on June 9th or 10th.

To me, this is laugh out loud funny, but I imagine that some people must be suckered in by fatalistic handwaving like this. “Ooooh, (read in a spooooooky voice) we cracked the biblical code! It’s a message from the future!”

Here’s a hint, when you’re predicting the future, give yourself more than 8 days to be proven wrong.

Bible Scholars Predict an 86% Probability of a Nuclear Terrorist Attack on the UN Complex in Manhattan on June 9th or 10th

Before we get into the scriptural reasoning lets look at this physically. Mayor Bloomberg has said that terror schemes have mentioned the UN amongst other targets. NYC has been the main terrorist target in the past in the US. Nuclear terrorism has been debated in the media as a possibility in the longer term future, but next weekend?

Well, that is where the bible research comes in. The date is deduced from the symbolic code of Jesus’ parables and Daniel’s visions and Joseph’s dream interpretations.

Unless my musical theater history is getting fuzzy, Joseph’s dreams were about his brothers and ruling Egypt. I’d love to see this “bible research”. I imagine it’s something like this:

Listen to this conversation (in the tone of “Dib and Zim”) “Researcher” One: J=10 + E=5 + S=19 - U=21 + S=19 = 9! They’re going to bomb the UN on the 9th.

Researcher Two:Oh my god! … Wait, I get how you got to the number 9, but where’d the bombing part come in?

“Researcher” One: It’s all right here in the numbers? It’s the biblical CODE!

Researcher Two:Wait a second (counts on fingers). That doesn’t even add up to 9.

“Researcher” One: This is the God code! It’s the code from Jesus!

Researcher Two: Even if you were to add all the letters from the word Jesus, it comes out to 74, which still doesn’t tell you…

“Researcher” One: That’s not a date! You speak crazyness! Don’t infect me with your crazy!

CLANG. whump.

“Researcher” One: They bomb the UN on the 9th!

Hillarious.

The rest of the fearmongering BS is beneath the cut, and it’s certainly good for a laugh.

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Posted by Eric Skiff Filed in comedy, religion
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